This is a sketch I wrote many years ago in the style of Monty Python. I love to try dfferent styles from time to time, ostensiby as an exercise to develop writing skills, but really it’s because I get bored.
Steve Catto, 2023

‘I’d like to return this crystal ball which I bought from this very shop only yesterday. It doesn’t work.’
‘I see sir.’
‘Oh! Do you? That’s good, because I don’t.’
‘Have you tried looking at it?’
‘Yes, of course I have. That was the first thing I did when I took it out of the box.’
‘Ah yes, that would make sense. Very strange. Did you, er, do this in the dark Sir?’
‘No! If I had looked at it in the dark, I wouldn’t have expected to see anything, would I?’
‘Very true sir, but some people really don’t understand the technology.’
‘Well, it’s not really technology, is it? It’s a glass ball!’
‘Indeed sir, but it still takes some time and understanding to use it correctly.’
‘Surely you just look at it?’
‘Ah, yes sir, that’s true, but perhaps you need more practice.’
‘Do you mean I’m not looking at it correctly? Should I squint at it or something? Does it respond better to being stared at? Hmmm?’
‘Er no, Sir. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? Now, where did you look at it?’
‘Well I just took it out of the box and looked at it. Isn’t that enough?’
‘Perhaps sitting here at the table would be better Sir. Now let’s just put it here in front of you, like this, where the light shines into it and focuses itself in the centre to form a sparkling point of concentration.’
‘But I still can’t see anything!’
‘No Sir. You need to be relaxed and silent. It works best in silence.’
‘Got ears then has it? Gets upset easily, does it? Perhaps I need to bury it in sea salt and leave it in the moonlight for a week?’
‘If you like Sir.’
‘Will it do any good?
‘No Sir. Where did you get that idea from?’
‘The instructions that came in the box. They said if it gets dirty to bury it in sea salt and leave it in the moonlight for a week.’
‘Yes Sir. But it isn’t dirty Sir. It’s crystal-clear Sir, ha-ha! You’ve never used it.’
‘I’ve never used it because it doesn’t work.’
‘Er, no Sir. It doesn’t work because you’ve never used it. Now relax, clear your mind, and look carefully into the ball.’
‘I’m looking! But I don’t see anything in the ball!’
‘Ah no Sir. That’s not how it works Sir.’
‘But you’re supposed to look into the crystal ball and see things!’
‘Indeed Sir, but you’re not understanding.’
‘Yes, I am! That’s the idea of it. If you don’t see anything in it then you might as well look at a lump of rock! It’d be a hell of a lot cheaper!’
‘Ah Yes Sir, I see now!’
‘Good for you because I still don’t!’
‘No Sir, I mean that I see what you’re doing wrong. You look into the ball with your eyes…’
‘Yes, I’m doing that!’
‘…and you see things….’
‘No I don’t! That’s the problem!’
‘You look into the crystal ball with your eyes, but you don’t actually see things in the crystal ball Sir. Because you are looking into the crystal ball you see things in your mind.’
‘Oh, I see!’
‘Good Sir, it’s working.’
‘No it’s not. I mean, yes, I understand but that’s no use, is it?’
‘How so Sir?’
‘Well, the crystal ball does nothing then does it? You’re saying it works on the principle that the interplay of intricate patterns made by the light as it passes through the transparent sphere induces a state of mind that is receptive to imagining things which remain subsumed by the typical day-to-day thoughts and emotions which pervade our normal conscious existence.’
‘Yes Sir.’
‘So I could achieve a similar effect by staring into a glass of water?’
‘Perhaps Sir.’
‘And it would actually be some use afterwards because when I was finished I could drink it.’
‘Indeed Sir.’
‘Oh wait, wait! I have a feeling.’
‘Ah good, you’re beginning to understand Sir.’
‘Yes. I can see I’ve just wasted twenty-five pounds.’
‘There you are Sir, it’s working!’